Dead Before Death
(A man is standing in front of a body on a table wrapped in a sheet. There is a little blood on the sheet as well.)
Young minds often have a problem understanding death. They give no thought to it and really assume it will never happen to them. That’s really very sad not because they are going to die some day but because a few of them are going to die today. I know they are going to die because I am going to make it happen. I know you never expected to come to work today and find your boss standing in front of a — well, let’s just say a former employee. You spent most of the morning doing what you always do, and by that I mean being relatively useless employees willing to take a government paycheck for scratching your ass and talking about the weekend. Now I don’t want any of you to get any ideas about calling people you shouldn’t. I simply have instituted a new severance policy. Instead of facing the inevitable teary-eyed, possibly angry individual who can not understand why I am letting him go, I have decided to simply eliminate the issue altogether. In case some of you are thinking of running like scared little children into the next room, let me assure you there is no where you can run. Well, I guess you can run, but I am afraid it will not help. I hope you all had a wonderful lunch. Did you notice it was not the usually slop on a plate but instead was a wonderful barbecued ribs meal catered by the Smoke House restaurant just down the street? That was just my way of saying goodbye. I did my very best to make sure the poison I added to — well, to everything would not interfere with the sassy barbeque sauce that the Smoke House is famous for. Oh, I put the poison in the sauce as well. Jerry, I new your compulsion to eat everything in front of you would some day lead to a very unhappy ending. Less sauce would have been better. By my calculations you all have about 5 minutes before you start to convulse and then about 90 seconds before your heart stops. I’m not really the type that likes to watch carnage, so I’m going to leave now, and I hope you all appreciate the new severance policy. Well, I guess what you think will not matter in a few minutes.